Or don’t. We’re happy.
A few years ago – well, probably around ten years ago, now that I think about it – one of my older sons asked me what my favorite day of the week was.
“Monday morning,” I said, “When everyone goes away.”
This was, of course, after I’d left teaching and was plunging into writing full time. If he’d asked me before that point, Monday morning would rank up there with “worst” time of the week. Not at #1 though – surprised? No, for me when I was teaching, Sunday evening was always the worst. All those papers you’d put off grading in front of you, another long week of frustration ahead.
God bless teachers!
Anyway, a few weeks ago, Barbara Curtis, writer, educator, in-process Catholic revert and blogger at Mommylife had a post about introverted moms – especially introverted moms with extroverted children and/or large families. The responses are interesting – you’ve really, really got to admire homeschooling introvert moms. I couldn’t do it.
(And just for clarification – when we talk about “introvert” – most of us are using the definition in which introversion/extroversion refers to where you get your energy and strength – is it in time alone or is it through interaction with other people? If you want to do it the Myers-Briggs way, I’m an INFP – strong, strong, strong on all of it. I’m basically a disorganized quiet person who’s watching you and sucking up the vibes you’re putting out like a sponge. And then probably writing about it, so be careful. On days when everyone is around all day, I must stay up later than everyone in order to feel like I exist. I don’t mean that overdramatically, I just mean that my self doesn’t feel really connected until it’s…quiet and I can process stuff in my head.)
Melanie Bettinelli had a post in which she reflected on being an introverted parent, too . The question for her was outside activities – does our disinterest in all of the now almost obligatory “activities” available for little kids deprive our children?
My oldest son is an extrovert. I mean…he’s an extreme extrovert. It took me a long time to figure this out. It all finally came together for me in the aftermath of doing one of the Myers-Briggs inventories (for school, of course. So we could all get along, etc.) and observing him during one more aggravating trip to the grocery store in which he could not, would not leave either his brother or sister alone. It finally hit me, “If he’s not interacting with someone, he doesn’t feel alive. ” And I grasped the corallary of that which was that I feel most alive when I’m alone. And we were going to have to figure out a way to co-exist.
(Let me add to the mix that I’m an only child. That probably has a lot to do with this dynamic as well.)
They’re good discussions. And I think they once more (as if it has to be done) expose the lie that parenting is somehow not about real life – since real life is supposedly only encountered in offices and meetings and workshops ..I don’t know…bars?
When you read the comments from parents who’ve had to learn how to balance their own needs with the needs of their children, and who have therefore taught their children that their own needs must be balanced with those of others, when you read about the sometimes long struggle involved in understanding how and why everyone in your family is interacting the way they do….who can say that’s not real life? Who can say that what happens in the family isn’t the foundation for everything else that happens outside?
The most important lesson and foundation being, I think, (as it often is) sacrifice. On all sides, every day. And sacrifice for a noble purpose – love and the flourishing of others.
But can I just finish my book in peace, first? Please?
Well written… with lots to ponder, Amy… which I will do, alone in my car, on the way home.
Im an introvert too- an only child as well, being Mom to 7 boys- so LOTS of testosterone around here. But I am pleased to announce we found out yesterday we are having our FIRST girl :) …
I read the posts over there and I could TOTALLY relate to what alot of the moms were saying.
I have learned to tune out A LOT of the noise but I definately get mentally drained and it takes me time to re-focus and gain composure.
I tend to see this as a sacrafice.. putting myself in last position after everyone else’s needs are met. I KNOW there will always be time for me- but it isn’t necessarily when I want it or need it.
My sufferings come as a benefit, not only to myself, but to those around me- if not in a physical way, definately in a spiritual way.
After everyone is in bed, I tend to stay up until midnight getting MY time in. Whether it be praying, reading a book, catching up with paperwork, fiddling on the net, grading papers.. It’s my quiet time and its much needed after a day full of obstacles.
It’s quiet right now, so I am definately savoring the moment as everyone prepares for lunch!
I am one of these introvert home school parents (dad, thank you).
It was difficult (the kids are in public school, these days), especially given that my son is always looking for action, and he always insists that someone come along for the ride. He is loud and boisterous, I am quiet and bookish.
Still, it has been good for me, in many ways. My raucous son has brought me out of myself, to some extent. I do need my alone time, though… just a little, or I get to feeling depressed.
Like butter spread over too much toast.
Thanks for this, Amy. Your description of life as an INFP –“I’m basically a disorganized quiet person who’s watching you and sucking up the vibes you’re putting out like a sponge.” made me giggle with the buzz of recognition… “Yes, indeed, that’s me!” And indeed, you don’t have to be an only child to make sense of that.
On the larger point, it seems to me that this is an issue that is in some sense peculiar to people of a certain class or lifestyle. I grew up in a privileged middle-class home — Jesuit prep school, etc., — and I think I just assumed that everyone found meaning in their work… Stronger, perhaps, that their work gave them a basic sense of who they were. After all, I had been told since I was very young that I could be whatever I wanted to be. It only made sense that everyone therefore was what they wanted to be.
Then when I was 17, I worked in a CocaCola plant, and finally realized that some people work to go home. And, as shocking as this was to me, I came to realize that there was a real trade-off to be had. The work at the plant was not itself the most meaningful labor I could imagine, but so very few of my coworkers–most long-time employees — were addicted to the job. Many (not all, of course… attachment and sin come in all shapes and sizes) of my coworkers were much more free to relate to their families in a healthy way, to think of their family life as their “real life,” and their job was, well, a job.
For those of us who work in some kind of job that we find to be good labor, we are possessed of a great gift. But with the gift is the danger, like with so many good things, of addiction and disordered love. It’s something I struggle with continually.
And my family life, with my wife and three daughters, is often precisely what I need to “face the demons.” Living in the concrete presence of four human beings, and learning how to love them well, is the greater gift that puts my labor in the proper light.
INFP here too. Working with a bunch of E people in cube land. Yeaaahhhh. We did the whole M-B thing here at work, and it actually did help with interpersonal relationships, much as you had the lightbulb go off with your son.
Introverts of the world….hm…well…we don’t want to unite, do we?
Of course we unite. When we all sit in separate chairs, in separate corners, and read separate books. Quietly.
Darn! I’d just typed this in: “Introverts of the world unite! er, rather, not, since that takes too much energy.” when I see Colleen beat me to it. Great minds, er, introverts anyway think alike, ‘eh?
Couple days ago came across this list of good jobs for introverts. I’ve considered four of them at one time or another.
But does an introvert have a blog?
From Amy: Of course! It’s almost the classic artist profile – put all the stuff out there, communicate…but at a distance.
This was a great post! I’m a college student, so I can’t say anything from a parental perspective, but I will make a few comments anyway.
First of all, I’m surprised to know that you’re a P, Amy. I’m a solid INFJ (disorganized but a pretty anal, listmaking J nonetheless), and I always seem to barely meet deadlines…AND I’m not even writing books, just bitty papers. How in the world do you do it? I may havev something to learn from P’s after all…
Secondly, the descriptions of introversion are spot-on. :)
Third-ly, I have an INFJ mother and sister, and 90% of my close friends and my academic advisor, mysteriously, happen to be INTJ. That rotten T causes a lot of trouble… As for extroverts, I have maybe two extroverted friends. I spend my weekend in a room full of geeky introverts…
Well, that’s it. Not adding much, just thought I’d share. :)
The first day of school after a long summer is the highlight of my year. I would walk back to my car saying ‘Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m free at last!” Have you ever read ‘Party of One: The Loners Manifesto’ by Anneli Rufus?? Some of it is a stretch but I liked her description about spending hours with friends would leave her feeling drained, like she had donated blood..all day long.
Hey, Rena :) Please be kind to us T’s.
It’s hard being a woman T. I’m an INTP or INTJ. I’m weak on the last one, and can go either way, depending upon my mood.
While single and childless, I know that even having a friend live with me for a week’s vacation is very, very hard.
I’m an ISFJ Catholic high school religion teacher. This is my 24th year standing in front of some 120 students a day teaching the Catholic faith. Not bad for an “I”.
INTJ with nine kids and 130 students here, trying heroically to offer up to God what is left of my mind. (William, that SF must be where you got the strength to make it 24 years. I cannot imagine.)
My idea of the perfect holiday — Thanksgiving in particular, because it means I don’t have to cook, either — is for my beloved husband to take my beloved progeny to his mother’s house in Virginia. Beloved? Yes! And even more so if they all go away for a few days once a year.
Hey Anna,
Another INTP, eh? We’re few and far between! I completely understand the drain that comes from continually being around people. It’s not unlike sleep deprivation in some ways, except you can’t fall asleep. :)
I can imagine how hard it would be to be a woman. But know that there are many men along the lines of, say, an ENFJ, who would appreciate your calm, rational approach to issues. And who might help you find that you’ve got a lot more F than you think. Failing that there’s always music (it seems to do it for me!) :)
INFJ mother of five here . . . my husband is an E as are two of the kids . . . the rest are like me but that doesn’t stop them from making lots and lots of noise! Last year on my birthday I went to a hotel downtown for 48 hours ALL ALONE–it was such bliss that I’ve decided that’s all I want for my birthday from now on.
“Thank God and Greyhound They’re Gone” is my Monday morning comment, although I’m still left with the three year old AND my husband, who works from home. I find myself running out for an hour or so many evenings or staying up as late as possible trying to outlast them just so I can be alone and “have some peace.”
Another introvert writer here. I can completely relate to the need for “stay-up-late-alone” time at the end of the day, after the kids are in bed.
The problem is, as I get older, this impulse directly conflicts with my need for adequate sleep!
I am just not able to be a “night person” anymore, although I am in deep denial about this fact.
INFP here. Need my space and get cranky with too much face time with anyone, except my husband, who needs his space too. 2 of our grown kids are I’s and one is an E.
When they grew out of naps, I made them play or read quietly in their rooms for an hour every day. There is a 15 year spread from the youngest to oldest, so for awhile there was no alone time until late in the evening.
Once my ENTJ mother was bed-ridden in our home for 3 weeks. She described us afterwards this way: They are all very close (she meant as a family ) but give each other a lot of space.
When our E grew up and went to college and out into the world, she found lots of the stimulation and activities that she still craves.
My husband and I do spend as much time as possible with the 8 grandkids. Although it is draining, we treasure every moment.
ISFJ here.
I’m another INTP. That makes 3 of us, Scott and Anna! I’ve always been extremely skeptical of psychological tests, etc., but I found the Myers-Briggs very helpful…it was a relief to find that things that I thought were character flaws (poor organization, inability to work on a schedule, seeing deadlines are mere suggestions…:-) are personality traits that have their own value. It also was very helpful in spiritual direction. I intend to become a spiritual director, and would love to direct “T’s” since our spiritual experiences can differ significantly from “F’s”. One, of course, is not better than the other, but they are often different. Much spiritual direction literature and thinking is done by and for those of the “F” persuasion.
No ENFP’s here? Most cult leaders are ENFP’s! :)
I don’t know anything about the Myers-Briggs test. But I did want to put in a word in favor of homeschooling. My kids are mostly introverts (retreat to find happiness). My one-and-only extrovert gets plenty of time with other kids through activities, and concentrates on his school better because he isn’t distracted by the intriguing presence of others. My introvert daughter is really suffering in high school — she literally grits her teeth when she gets out of the car. The minute she gets home, she retreats to her room. I am so glad she didn’t have to do this throughout her childhood.
As for me, I find homeschooling gives me plenty of time alone when the kids are working independently. It’s true that the first two years of school require a lot of input from me, but even so I have lots of time during “recess” when they don’t need me and don’t even want to see me!
Not an introvert.
But appreciative of time alone.
I like to buy into the line that parenting is not about “real life.” But to reverse it so that the discussion reflects the types of topics on conservative Catholci blogs-that communal life (the life of community) reflects the dynamics of family life. That little is different, so that the extremes of personality (or not necessarily extreme-it just will seem that way at the dinner table) and the varieties of interactions, enthusiams, needs, etc. reflect in communities (religious and lay intentional, intense work environments, etc.) are similar. That what goes on in the family in terms of compromise, disarray, disorder and love-corrupted by the dirty hands of the people involved occurs outside the family construct-in the community, whether it be a faith community (like a parish) or prayer group or volunteer group, etc.
This experience of family is not just common to family. Not exclusive to this arrangement and the work of compromise and love so often is even harder outside the construct of the family, where the ties that bind are different, and sometimes weaker. But the individuals outside the family are no less the person of Christ than the folks in the family. Infact, the harder the person is to love, the more likely there is the call to love this person. And that they are Christ.
Interesting.
Does anyone ever look at Meyers-Briggs tendencies in the light of “false self?” When we Christians take a close, honest look at our sins– all of the many ways in which we get in God’s way and separate ourselves from the love of one another– we might notice that those behaviors are closely tied to our M-B types, which might actually be our false selves.
When one aims to sin less and speaks of “dying to self,”
that means dying to this false self. One’s Real Self has the same Meyers-Briggs score that Jesus would have had.
Are we not temples of the Spirit who dwells within us
somewhere under all those layers?
Don’t know if I ever took MB test, but if I did can’t remember what I was. Did read a really good book about another similar type of test, called I think, DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS which, while about parenting, was also about personality traits.
I have a strong need for time away from everyone, but also a strong need for romantic (for lack of a better term) companionship. As a single mom, I get neither. So I read this blog. :) [Thanks, Amy … I really do enjoy your insights!]
MJ
One more thing, if anyone’s still reading this thread… (I gave up reading blogs for Lent, so this is my Sunday morning blog fest.)
THANK YOU, Amy, for showing us that you can still be a good mom and not spend every single minute with your kids. I don’t want to start a parenting-style argument here, but when I was a married, homeschooling, SAHM, I felt so much pressure — stated from my husband, and implied from all the NFP/homeschooling folks — to never, ever want to spend any time on myself. Yes, we must sacrifice ourselves, but sometimes we also need to feed ourselves, and sometimes what we need is some peace and quiet. I was not the type of personality to succeed having my children with me 24/7. A break once in a while is healthy.
MJ
I’m an ENFP–though I can fake a J if necessary. When I’m overstressed, I tend to make lists of things I’ve already done just so I can cross them off and feel like I’ve accomplished something.
Knowing that I need to talk out my thinking helps when I’m working with groups. I can sound VERY certain when I give my first opinion, but chances are I may end up somewhere else by the time the discussion is finished.
In my job as a prison chaplain, there’s a nice balance of time with large groups (four Word and Communion services every Sunday) and individuals (at least 6.5 hours of pastoral counseling every day). I relish the hour-long commute to and from work because it provides a buffer. By the time I get home, I’m ready to be home.
If I’ve had too much overload, I tend to choose a book rather than a movie.
Ann C.
I’m puzzled by your comment. Are you saying that to become like Jesus, we must have the identical personality as He?
Depending upon whether He were an introvert or an extrovert, that means that a lot of us would have to become very different from whom we were made. (I believe, at least to some degree, that introversion and extroversion are from birth or before.)
I have used what I know about my own tendencies to avoid sin, and become more like Him in that way. Especially when making decisions that involve other people.
I was the second of eight and an introvert in a family of actors, singers, comedians and sports fanactics. It was a happy childhood but as soon as I graduated from college and had enough $ to rent an apartment BY MYSELF I jumped at it. I loved it. Fast forward to marriage and four school aged children later, I’ve adapted to family life, but cherish the hours that the children are in school and my wonderful husband is at work. Summer time and vacations are always a struggle, but I get through it and September beckons again and I am happy as a clam.
Amy,
Thanks for the link and the great discussion. I really liked the discussion over at Barbara’s too.
I’ve got more to say on the subject, especially after observing my extrovert child on her daily visits to the hospital during my interminable stay; but more than will fit here. I feel another blog post percolating.
I’m way late on this, but it resonated with me so much I just had to share:
I recently had a Birkman Personality Inventory done, and on a scale of 1 – 100 (with 100 being most extroverted), I was a 1. Uno. One. It explained a lot.
Unfortunately my 18-month-old daughter is shaping up to be a strong extrovert (I guess I think that because, oh, she screams all day long when we’re at home but is happy as a lark when we’re out an about). We have a loooong 17 years ahead of us. :)
I also appreciate you considering how it factors into parenting. I feel like a lot of the advice out there about the “best” way to parent is written by and for extroverted moms.
I’m basically a disorganized quiet person who’s watching you and sucking up the vibes you’re putting out like a sponge. And then probably writing about it, so be careful.
Can I get that on a t-shirt?
Thanks for a great topic!
I’m basically a disorganized quiet person who’s watching you and sucking up the vibes you’re putting out like a sponge. And then probably writing about it, so be careful.
This is me to a T. I’m an INFP too, by the way. I didn’t know you were an INFP! The “INF” doesn’t really surprise me but for some reason you come across as kind of J-ish. :)
I love the Myers Briggs – I remember being floored when I first read the description of my type, because it was so dead-on and explained so much. My 3-year-old seems awfully extraverted to me, though. So we’re probably in for some interesting times. :)
Can I just say this is, like, your greatest post ever? Like you, I could never, ever, EVER homeschool. There is nothing wrong with homeschooling and I completely respect those who do it, but it is definitely not for me. I am sooo happy to hear from other moms like me who relish time alone, and to hear that it’s OK to enjoy time alone and OK not to homeschool. We live in an extravert-dominated society, and that spills over into Christian circles. The ideal for Christian moms (more so in Protestant circles than Catholic, I have found) is the extremely extraverted homeschooling mother of many who never takes time for herself because that’s “selfish.” I think this has much more to do with societal prejudices than actual Christian values.
INFP here too! I loved your description. My oldest is also a very strong extrovert, and having four girls in a row (5 kids under 11) I have someone talking – or crying, lol – in my face all. day. long. Did I mention we homeschool? Yes, I’m certifiable. I do long for the white padded cell!
We are a homeschooling family of introverts, even the cat is introverted. ;) I’ve tested in the past as a strong INFP as well. There are a lot of us on net with blogs. :)