I’m an introvert, a non-joiner. So while I’ve encouraged and tried to support all my children to be whoever they might be (and I think I have succeeded because they are all so wildly, weirdly different), I can’t deny that I don’t exactly encourage…activities.
But after Mike died, I knew Joseph needed something. He could use an outlet for his energy, his emotions, even his anger. I didn’t want it to be too father-son heavy. After conversations with some people, including a counselor at the grief center that helped us out for a time, and after a not-so-chance encounter with another mom at Target one Saturday morning, I settled on martial arts. And so far, it seems to be a great choice. It’s something that’s really just about him and his own goals, and the gestalt of the dojo, if you will, is very supportive and challenging in just the right way.
And apart from a very low-key 10-week season of school-focussed basketball, that’s all we do.
I know parents and families whose days and weeks are filled with activities, from the end of the school day to nightfall, and all weekend.
Some of them love it and flourish, and others confess such relief when a game or practice is cancelled.
All I know is that my son loves karate and wants to be a black belt someday.
But on the days he has nothing after school, which is 3 out of the 5 school days in a week, he is ecstatic. He’s home by 3:30, and he can just…play. He and his brother may squabble. The little boy across the street may get on his nerves some times. The two children down the street, who are younger than he is, may not be his ideal companions.
But he can play.
And as he plays, as he imagines, as he is free from rules and schedules, and as he and his cohorts can create his very own world…he is so happy.
Are you?
My son is the youngest of five – the rest all girls. When he was in middle school our family went through a series of losses and upheavals. By then his sisters had all left home, and I was going to school as well as teaching three days a week. He had played a bit of basketball, and wrestled, but nothing seemed to “fit.” I was inspired to ask if he wanted to try karate. After the introductory class, he came to me and said that this was just what he wanted.
His dad and I made sure that he got to class a few times a week, and in three years he earned his black belt. It was the best thing for him. He’s now 22 and the confidence he gained through earning the black belt has served him well.
Amen, and amen!
Yes, quite a difference between a team sport and individual sport: son loves football and baseball but enjoyed a stint with fencing.
But *play* is so much more important for the long-term emotional growth of a boy. And, yes, as best as we can with his growing school work, we encourage just play.
Play for me, I must confess, is often playing card games in the evening with him. He is my best source for play.
I remember you and the boys in my prayers daily and it makes me happy to read that Joseph’s happy.
We have come to love Tae Kwan Do in our home. I even join in the class with my daughter. Its been very good for her.
WIse mom. I feel the same way, with so many kids (8, 7 at home) it’s hard to keep it sane and limited, but I try, valiantly..much to the dismay and disapproval of some others. But too much is disastrous to our family…..that down time is gold. You know it well! Well done!
I am pretty convinced that the current activity-centered culture which demands so much of families exists only because people don’t have many children. I find the expectation that if one child becomes involved in, say band or baseball that we are now a “band family” or a “baseball family” simply bizarre.
Joseph saw a fencing demo at a festival a couple of years ago, but the minimum age for participation was 10 or something like that.. Thanks for reminding me,,,maybe it will be time to look into that again next year.
I see the children playing in the neighborhood and wonder…why do we insist that their time is better spent packing them up in cars, driving them to practice fields and being slaves to schedules? I once read a column years ago by someone who had watched the children of an extended family try to play a pick-up softball game at a family gathering. They couldn’t do it because they couldn’t figure out how to negotiate the rules and solve disputes about the game among themselves – their whole lives, their “play” had been refereed by adults…
I am jealous. Around here, there are very few kids to play with if you’re the youngest of five (by five years) and don’t have scheduled activities. We don’t do them anyway, except music which is very low key at age 9 (and mostly before school). I was planning to try martial arts after the end of the last soccer season every (this spring).
Try fencing, but be careful. My second son loved it and still misses it, but it was like gymnastics at the places near us. If you got good, they wanted you to get competitive in a big way, and we had neither the money nor the time (plus at that point three other kids at home). Otherwise you were a permanent second class citizen. So we just quit, cold turkey, with some regrets. If you can find a place where you can keep it low key, go for it. It’s a great sport.
It is hard to keep everything individualized for a large family, but we do try. Luckily the music thing has attracted everyone who is still home, although they’re dropping marching band next year (and I am NOT crying). But the little guy may decide on something else, and after next year we will actually be a small family, so maybe it will be easier.
I’ve never been much of a joiner either. I do wish I had given my kids more opportunity to join things when they were at home though. We homeschooled them and didn’t give them many social opportunities and I regret that. I don’t regret though, the hours and hours they spent building forts and playing outside. That part was great. My boys played with lego into their teens. We had family story time until our oldest was 16.
I think one of my boys could have really benefited from taking martial arts.
The big thing around my neighborhood is: what are your kids doing that they can excel at? Because if they don’t objectively excel at something – besides academics – they will not get into the best colleges. Now, I don’t think this is for everyone, but if your kid really does have ivy intentions – and the academic chops to go for it – they’ve got to show they’ve got the whole picture. Can they be a leader in things physical or mental (chess, music, etc) or community-oriented or…something? And that can’t happen if they take piano lessons once a week or dabble in tennis in the summers. This is more for older kids, high school aged, but for those of us who would LOVE to have more downtime, and the child is intent on, say, founding a fun-run for an obscure disease or becoming a nationally-ranked competitive whatever, I have a tough time saying no to such self-driven passions.
Self-driven is different, and good. Who can argue with self-driven? Although realism, I think, has to be encountered there, too. A young person can’t expect a family with other obligations and other children to drop everything and focus on his or her particular passions. They may have to be mitigated or set aside for a time. The other point is that having a goal on getting into the Ivies is problematic, too, because…well, read the College Confidential discussion boards – a lot of broken hearts there these days. Kids/Families who “did it all” who did what they thought they were supposed to do and got waitlisted at their top choices, at best…
The thing is… really hugely intellectual kids are often not particularly interested in excelling at things. They want to know things and do things, and they could care less about winning something or founding something or being in clubs. Sometimes that stuff happens along the way, but it’s just something that happens.
It’s the kids who aren’t consumed with love for the things of the mind, who tend to get consumed with worry about grades and teams and clubs and what school they’ll get into.
Of course, I’ll admit that being concerned about those things is probably better for one’s eventual bottom line. But most really intellectual people are happy whatever they end up doing, and however much or little money they make. So they don’t really need to care, actually.
I don’t think I’d advocate that for everyone. But I think there’s no sense dumping activities you enjoy because you’re not good enough for them to make you “stand out”. From everything I’ve read, pretty much all the brilliant and talented and sociable kids blend together, and there are tons of people with high scores and high grades, and all the essays are very similar after a while. If you can get into a great college, fine. If not, it’s mostly chance not falling your way.
Either way, there’s nothing so sad as a kid who enters college not knowing who he is. They’re usually the ones who spend the first semester getting drunk and messing around, spending their credit card to the limit, and then flunk out or almost.
Agreed!